being a mom, of a toddler

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my mom @ 36

i didn’t expect to have this much motherly things running through my life, but it did and fell in love with it somehow. i’m trying to remember hard about my childhood more and more since i have no one telling about it to me anymore. my mom died before she even got the chance to see my wedding. but we both got married at 24. i had my son when i’m 25 and my mom at 36. we both in the situation with unfinished studies in both events. but she finished them off. me? well trying to fit in the right time for the next few month to finish everything off.

this article i read yesterday intrigued me somehow. about different women generations in their choice of career and motherhood, which both create such a debate until now.

it’s magnificent how a woman manage everything. i know how hard it is already. i know how hard my mom get through her life in managing everything and me now well kinda in the same path. you just couldn’t erase that motherhood phrase from a woman’s life. it’s just part of being a woman. it’s somehow in the genetic codes of our lives. i even realized as far as that i’m going to have a kid at around 23-24 even before meeting my husband. i just didn’t know who’s the father going to be. i was single and not planning to have a serious relationship until i met kadek, but i know, biologically knew that i’m going to have a kid (that’s why i cut all the smoke and alcohol in such an extreme rate), is it just a natural sense? i was having all this weird sensation on my process being a mother (aside of pregnancy of course, the obvious). it was one might say, rather spiritual.

i took care of bhumy from day one and until now. the longest i was not with my baby was around 4 hours and it happen only 3 times. i still breastfeed my little toddler now and plan to keep going. it tear my heart if i have to go away and not seeing my baby all-day (is it mommy getting attached?). so i happen to carry him everywhere i go, everytime i can. in a way i become a homey person more and more (but yes, i had to get out of the house, i do). i fell in love with things i would never think i would do like what 10 years, of even maybe 5 years ago. i love cooking so much, i’m learning to knit and sew. and yes, doing all that and babysitting my boy.

i never and cannot imagine to left my son with someone else, aside from the father and maybe just grandparents (this is still maybe). i don’t know how my mom’s generation and still my generations rely on house-maid and babysitter. i just can’t. i’m not that kind of person. i had to take care my own son even with the meaning that i have to learn anything from scratch. which also learning motherhood (it is part of myth that it’s a natural process, it’s an everyday process).

i have a very different childhood. i’m got independent in an very early stage of childhood and i don’t like being spoiled. but i’m trying to remember it again. my mother always have a very weird relationship with her mother (my grandma, that’s another very dramatic story). sometime i feel that she always hold herself and take a step away from me. not really with my brother, she gets along fine with him even when they are not exchanging any word. in the near end of her life thought i was glad she poured everything out to me and we become friends. i still grief for her, i still do. but she had left a better impression to me somehow compare to my father. i was pretending not to be a mommy’s girl but deep down inside, i wish i do. i misses my mom badly sometimes.

while time moves on, bhumy is getting into toddlerhood. which mean, dragging mommy around (not dragging daddy), being whiney, eat and don’t eat, babble things from jibbrish to meaning, running around the place, thrashing and putting things into places. which sometimes fun, tiring, and so meaningful at the end of the day. i will still do this if ever i could go back in time and do it again.

the naughty little boy @ 15 months ++:

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