the hottest end of summer

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it might be the weather. it might be the hectic things at work and trying to figure things out. it might the crazy load work that i’ve been handling. were the reasons i have not been blogging. but definitely it was the mood. that i need to travel out of myself to see a bigger picture on things.

anyway, things had been great lately. we manage ourselves to have our little luxuries of becoming a member in the melia purosani sports club. it’s cheap as hell for a year. one of jogjakartans biggest secret to get healthy. i know i need to swim to get my sanity now and then. and the fun part is that my boy are getting familiar with the water.

he’s been given lesson at school and i’ve been spending more quality time after his school. a dip in the water is always good for the body and soul. especially with the weather being hellish crazy lately.

my three year old boy going to school

it’s entering his three weeks already. my son going to school the first time. this means i have to change to a morning person in a more discipline manner. his first day was amazing because it only took him 30 minutes to adapt with his surrounding without my help at all. the second day, he is fine without me. the fourth day he have his 3rd birthday at school. i baked spinach and carrot brownies for his schoolmates. everyone took another portion :D (huge success) we were given gift such as children classic song that i haven’t heard for so long. his fifth day, i was not allowed to take him to the gate. i practically drop him off and he say “mom, stay in the motor cycle. i can go myself.” those were those kinda moments that you want to cry as parents. children grow up so fast.

i feel like an eagle, letting their little ones the first time to learn to fly.

ending breastfeeding and parenting crisis

No one knows what they’re doing as parents. We’re all faking it, and hoping we’re getting it right. Some people obsess about the details, and miss out on the fun. I just try not to mess them up too much, to show them they’re loved, to enjoy the moments I can with them, to show them life is fun, and stay out of the way of them becoming the amazing people they’re going to become. That they already are. ~ Leo Batuta (zenhabits)

My son have gone for five days without breastfeeding. He is thirty four months old. I was meant to stop it when he reaches two years old. But things got carried away. I mentally think breastfeeding is our privilege bonding. Especially since I decided to become a single parent for my son. I had to work and could not spend time 24-7 with him. It become some sort of my emotional compensation. Getting closer to his birthday next July, I somehow experienced some wake up call. Things had been going on all over the place, the pace of life has been rolling unexpectedly. Some things are near completion, some things are just started.

Being involved emotionally again with someone, somehow had put my feelings to be out in the open. I realized I still kept my fears if things did not work out. A wound that had not yet heal properly. I felt vulnerable in the same time. When I was just myself, I had nothing to lose. Nothing at stake accept myself.

I endured my worries and decided to chuck it away. Fears, worries and anger would not get me anywhere. I just had to believe life is a never ending process. The only security you have is that you belief in yourself, no matter what happen. I learn to conquer my fears. I resolved all my past, letting go my anger and pain. Be aware with my own self and my emotions. Heal. Forgive. Move on. Live on.

I was worried with Bhumy sometimes, being a single parent has never been an easy process. It’s easy to fall into the prey of people who did not understand what they are talking about and got hurt by it. I don’t care anymore. Others does not responsible with my own happiness. My son in the end would learn about life, all the good things and all the bad things. I could not stop things from happening, but I could give him all the understanding, knowledge, wisdom and above all, my undying love.

There is no right or wrong in parenting sometimes. There’s no manual or blueprint for it. I teach myself to become a mother which I never picture myself before. I make mistakes. I learn from them, over and over until I felt I got it right. Motherhood had become my own version of myself. The only faith that I have is that I’m what my son needed the most and the best he have. I should not let other things disturb that faith. I believe at my own way of raising my son.

Ending breastfeeding is like seeing my son stepping out from his comfort zone for the first time. Like all things in life. Your children grow amazingly.